Big Questions

The photo - my inspiration to return

1. What emotion do you unconsciously default to when you're uncertain — and how does it shape your decisions?

I default to overplanning. I recall instances from childhood when a situation caused insecurity or uncertainty; my approach has always been to overplan. I remember those dreaded “read aloud” sessions in elementary school when the teacher would have the students read a paragraph aloud. I would count how many paragraphs before my turn several times and then read the two before and after to ensure I didn’t flub a word. The thought of the class giggling at an error would make me panic. Fast forward to the present day, when I’ve gone to court, I have my files organized with tabs, and any points I want to make are on large font bullet lists. I even dress better than the judge.

On puppy pick-up days, I have checklists, color-coded tabs, packets of food, and probiotics. Everything is prepped, and that gives me confidence. During Jim’s illness, I wasn’t always as prepared as I liked, and it threw the entire day off—I looked as frazzled as I felt.

2. What core belief about yourself was formed before the age of 10 and is still subtly influencing your behavior today?

This has been a previous topic of discussion. My drive to “fix” situations, not only for my family but also for dog customers, apartment tenants, and strangers on the internet, is never-ending. I do hold back with suggestions on social media, even when I know my answer would be their perfect solution.

It began when I received praise for helping with my younger siblings and has turned into a compulsive behavior that I try hard to restrain.

I don’t remember having those feelings before the age of 7, when my second sister was born. I was probably allowed to live my everyday, young, self-centered life before my mother required an assist. Why do parents continue to reproduce when they can’t care for what they have? I didn’t request a second sibling, which I recall telling her.

I have made efforts to control my urge to problem-solve. Instead, I listen and support the other person's efforts to find their solution. Brady recently used the phrase “taking the training wheels off” to describe the need for my sons to become independent and for me to support that transition.

3. Which compliment makes you uncomfortable — and why?

I am uncomfortable with compliments about my appearance. When I was young, they were positive compliments about my appearance—they were fine until the day they came from my stepfather. He was supposed to be “dad,” and finding out that wasn’t how he saw me was shattering. It was a traumatic betrayal that was also devastating for my mother, and rather than being protective of me, she was resentful. The result was betrayal all around.

Now I’ve aged and no longer look the same, and any compliments feel false.

This one puts me in a bad mood - fair warning.

4. What do you do when no one is watching — and what does that say about your most authentic desires?

Two things come to mind. Neither are secretive, but I tend to do them alone. The harmless one is my tarot cards. I don’t believe they predict the future, and I don’t consult them when making a significant decision. I use them for fun and ask, “What should I know about today?”

The second clandestine activity is eating. I always have a bad habit of snacking when I’m alone. When I’m stressed, I eat to soothe. When I’ve achieved a goal, I eat to reward myself.

5. What habit or pattern keeps repeating in your life, despite your efforts to change it?

I feel that if I DO WHATEVER—offer to help or give something—someone will like me more. For instance, I’m forever offering to assist a friend with a ride to an appointment or dog care, but they never ask me. I’m the peripheral friend. I’m invited to lunch and on shopping trips, but I’ve never been invited to their homes. When they need personal assistance, they always have closer friends who are asked.

I probably need to also remember that I don’t ask for help, I try to do things on my own because I don’t enjoy being dependent on others. I have a friend who has never put gas in her own car. She thought that expecting her husband to come home from work and take her car to get gas was acceptable. I think she

s disgustingly lazy.

6. What type of person drains your energy — and what might they be reflecting back to you about yourself?

The bubbly, bouncy, sugary-sweet personalities make me want to gag. They want me to fix their situations. I may be hardwired to be the fixer, but that doesn’t mean I don’t find it life-draining.

7. In what situations do you most often betray your own boundaries — and what are you afraid of losing if you don't?

I am offering monetary support to my sons when I know I shouldn’t. Sometimes, they ask by putting something in my Amazon or Costco cart. Other times, I offer. I've allowed them to continue to depend on me when, in my 40s, I shouldn’t do anything. It’s all part of the people pleasing, two specific people, and fear of rejection part of my personality, and I don’t know how to break the vicious cycle. Sometimes I feel that this won’t end during my lifetime.

8. What do you avoid thinking about when you're alone — and why?

Taxes and other large looming expenditures.

9. If someone followed you for a week, what would they say your life is really about?

My life is dull

10. What secret hope do you carry that feels “too big” or “too unrealistic” to admit even to yourself?

Even though I prefer being alone most of the time, sometimes I am lonely. I desperately miss having Jim to do things with. We both had simple interests and were happy having day trips. I no longer have anyone to do those things with. That part of my life ended in 2014.