Meditation Journal
Day 1
I selected a Relaxaton Soothing and Calming your nerves ten minute guided meditation. I was focussd on breathing .. and fell asleep. I didn’t fall out of my chair and I’m not certain how long I slept, probably just a few minutes.
Day 2
Selection didn’t;t go as smoothly. I tried several guided meditations before I found a voice that felt relaxing. The one I settled on I could only stick with for 10 of the 21 minutes. I have a relaxing meditation earmarked for when I go to bed, in place of a portion of my reading time. I’m committed to a daily meditation routine, I’m searching for the best time and program. I have faith that it will all come together quickly.
Full disclosure .. meditation time has become nap time .. I blame the barking dog. I’m trying to get back on track, it’s tough when the barking begins at 2 a.m.
Today I made an executive decision. Post shower, I applied a sheet mask and in place of meditation, I read in peace for 20 minutes. I felt better than if I’d fallen asleep and the relaxation time gave me a pause after my busy morning. before I set off on a few errands. Basically, it allowed me a tiny respite before tackling Tractor Supply. I continue to resist the notion that these are my peers.
Making Myself Responsible for Others’ Emotions
Family’s emotional manager
Yes! I learned early on that part of my “role” in the family dynamic was to entertain and make happy my younger siblings because their good moods and compliance made my mother happy. I was praised for relieving her stress. As I grew up, my role remained the same, the methods evolved from “entertain the baby” to “read a story” then “babysitting”. As an adult, my mother would use me to solve problems as her personal assistant. There wasn’t punishment for non-compliance because it was so ingrained that I felt (still fell) compelled to “solve” everyone’s situation.
I suspect I drove everyone crazy with my expectations for Jim’s care. I was never trying to “fix” him; I always accepted his terminal diagnosis. My goal was to make everything as easy for him as possible. Yes, I could lecture people about dementia care - not going to happen though.
Other people’s emotions belong to them; it’s not my responsibility to “fix” their feelings.
What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? Feeling guilty for others’ stress.
Anytime someone is in a bad mood, doesn’t respond in what I consider a timely manner to a phone call or text, my immediate assumption is that I’ve done something wrong. It’s usually (99%) that they have other responsibilities or activities that have nothing to do with me. The thought that it’s all about me is always present even if not verbalized.
Of course, throw the Nana gene in the mix, assuming my kids are in a ditch when they don’t respond. Damn, Brady for turning off “read” notifications on his texts. At least I know Brand'on is breathing when he reads a text two days after I send it.